Not sure this is a SPOTD report since technically I was someone else’s deliberate SPOTD but anyway…

Whilst a student I had a part-time job doing market research interviews by telephone – a pretty good job which paid well but did put me into the category of “those evil people who always call just as I am sitting down to dinner”. I wasn’t too upset by that since I knew there was a difference between market research and telemarketing – the latter industry pays employees on how much they can sell so they’re inherently more pushy when it comes to making a sale. On the other hand, so long as I had a decent rate of response to my surveys, my pay was unaffected. If someone said they didn’t want to do the survey, that was fine with me – I’d just move to the next person.

A few years have passed since I was in that job but I still always help out those doing market research and spurn those trying to sell me something. I’m comfortable with the difference between the two industries though most people aren’t since they just grab onto the concept of someone calling them by telephone. Having been on the other side of the telephone though, I know that if they ring and I just let fly with a line of expletives telling them to not bother me again, it doesn’t work. Whenever anyone got really upset with me, I’d just chuckle and thank them for their time so swearing is generally pointless for telemarketers as well as market researchers. That said, the phone calls I remembered were the bizarre ones so now I try and add a little surreality to my conversations with telemarketers. I know that for the people I speak to, some of them would have to regard me as their SPOTD since I pretend to get very confused very easily…

Yesterday I got a call from a telemarketer ™ in a hospital fundraising division. She was calling from a company that uses auto-dialling meaning that when I pick up the phone I have to wait up to 5-10 seconds before the person at the other end actually picks up the phone call. I really hate that impersonal aspect so definitely play with those callers.

TC: “Hello.”

{silence}

TC: “Hello?”

{realising it’s an automated dialing system}

TC: “Hellloooooo.”

{phone connects at other end}

TC: “Hellloooooo.”

TM: “Hello, is that Mr Cox?”

TC: “No.”

TM: “Oh, um, I - …”

TC: “I could have been a grandfather by the time you picked up the telephone. Here I am wasting valuable time answering a phone and you’re not even ready for it. You took so long to answer the phone at your end that I am now known as Old Mr Cox.”

TM: “Oh, um, I - …”

TC: “Well, you’ve got me in a great mood now. I mean, if there’s one thing you want to do it’s to really irritate people and then try to sell them something. So, go on - what exactly are you going to try to sell me?”

TM: “Er, actually, we’re not trying to sell you anything. I’m from the fundraising department of the Austin Hospital and we’re raising money for the Olivia Newton-John Cancer Foundation.”

TC: “Huh?” (deliberately sounding confused)

TM: “I’m sure you’ve heard of Olivia Newton-John.”

TC: “Nope. Who’s she?” (sounding even more confused)

TM: “Uh, she’s a famous singer.” (clearly baffled I’ve never heard of Olivia Newton-John)

TC: “Right. Well, if she’s such a famous singer then she’s probably quite rich. If she’s got cancer, why doesn’t she go and pay for the treatments herself? What are you doing ringing me up, asking me to pay for the cancer treatment of a singer who’s all famous and rich and can pay for her own treatment anyway?!? She can pay for it herself!”

TM: “Oh, no, no, no, no, no! She’s the person who started the cancer foundation. She doesn’t - …”

TC: “Well of course she’s going to start a foundation to pay for her cancer treatment! If she’s going to raise money through you people to fix her own cancer then she’s going to have to start a foundation!”

TM: “Um, er, I, um …”

TC: “Look, bugger this for a joke. I’ll put you out of your misery. I am not confused. I know who Olivia Newton-John is. I know what a cancer foundation is. I’m not confused. What I am though, is cranky. I’m cranky that I had to walk over and answer the phone and hang on the phone for a long time at the start when you guys were not there ready to actually start speaking to me when I answered the phone. I know it’s an automated dialling system and I know you are not the person who installed it for the company and that’s fine by me. However, you’re going to get off this phone and you’ll probably mention to those around you that you just spoke to a ranting loony and that might make it’s way to your supervisor and then your supervisor might mention it to their department head who mentions it to their boss and it finally makes it’s way right up to the top to the chardonnay-swilling, Porsche-driving boss right up the top who was the one who made the decision to install the auto-dialler to try and save themselves thirty five cents per hour by making people answering the phone wait. All it’s done is to make me cranky from the start of the phone call so I am not willing to accept any offer you make me and I’ve tied you and your phone line up so your productivity drops. It’s all worked out so well in the end, hasn’t it? You have yourself a wonderful evening. I sure hope you enjoy the rest of your shift.”

Categories: SPOTD
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