I have considered renaming the SPOTD to SPOPT (Stupid Person On Public Transport) in recent times, since every day going to or from work is a traumatic experience where I encounter at least one person who fulfils the requirements for SPOTD. Alas, due to lack of time, I don’t share them with you except when they are particularly irritating to me.

There is the obese homeless guy, for example, who often gets on my tram and rocks back and forth while moaning. You can actually feel him shaking the tram because the movement of his seat affects others around it.

There are also the darling children who go to school and insist on occupying seats by standing on them. Their mother, who I recently had an altercation with over one of her children falling on me, seems oblivious to the concept of common courtesy. She is not oblivious to the concept of foul language however - that came easily to her when I questioned her duties as a parental figure.

And, for those who have joined the list in the past couple of weeks, let’s not overlook the crazy topless woman trying to cadge cigarettes off other passengers.

This SPOTD award goes to the young male who sat opposite me recently as I was on my way home. For those not familiar with Melbourne trams, the seats are arranged as groups of two bench seats facing each other, getting four strangers into close contact - a fun experience, as you might imagine. The other night the tram was pretty empty though, so I was the only person in the block of four seats, seated to the window side of my bench seat.

A guy about 25yo got on the tram and sat on the seat opposite me, but rather than sit directly opposite me, he sat in the middle of his bench seat. Since the tram was fairly empty, there was no problem with this, since there was no need for us to both be pressed into a small area without need. The problem was that since he was sitting by himself, he felt it necessary to swing his knees back and forth together as he sat. This brought his knee into contact with my knees because he was not sitting still.

I shot him a dirty look, then moved closer to the wall. In true SPOTD fashion, he took this to mean there was more room to swing his knees, so did so, again cracking his knees into mine. This went on for a few times, and despite the fact he was clearly aware of the ongoing contact, he did not restrain himself in any way. Realising he needed incentive to stop, I leaned over toward him.

Me: “If you continue to smack your knee into mine, I will grab hold of your leg and keep holding it. After another 10 seconds, I’ll start blowing you kisses. People will think we’re a couple, which I assume is your intention also, since you clearly seem to want to touch my body so much.”.

With a horrified look on his face, the knee contact stopped immediately, and about 20 seconds later he jumped up and moved down the other end of the tram, leaving me in peace, which made me much happier and still gave him the SPOTD honours.

Categories: SPOTD