Such an exciting time has been had since last time that it’s hard to fit it all in, with much action aplenty - including getting pursued by a large black bear in the Great Smoky Mountains…

After the debacle of Ducks Unlimited last time, we decided to hit the Great Smoky Mountains to see the wonder and beauty of nature at it’s finest. Alas, people decided that what was really needed at the base of this natural beauty was a town of abnormally high levels of tackiness. Think of the most tacky place you can imagine, then think even more tacky and awful. That’s Pigeon Forge.

We stopped for directions at an office called the “Official Tourism Centre” but it turned out to be a front for a place selling timeshare accommodation. I was about to leave when they asked me whether I wanted to listen to their presentation and receive US$50.00 in cash. I thought that sounded alright, but still said we were not interested and then they upped the offer to US$60.00 instead. With the exchange rate so bad, free cash was not too hard to take, so we signed up to go and have a look.

The presentation was kind of interesting, but of course we did not buy anything. The deal was really good for us though, because we were about to do international travelling and the deal suited that (on the grounds that most Americans won’t go overseas that much). With the cash, we splurged and got a room in town at the Riverside Towers. Overlooking the National Park, with the skyline dominated with a beautiful snow-capped peak - something we enjoyed from our seats in the in-room jacuzzi! Let’s hear it for suckers who think we’re going to buy timeshare - our accommodation was all paid for through the timeshare people. A king-size bed and jacuzzi was wonderful after so many nights in the van.

The next day we hiked up to Rainbow Falls. We had wasted a fair chunk of the day just messing about in Pigeon Forge, then decided we’d had enough and a walk in the woods was a good idea. We quickly checked our options and decided to go to a waterfall that was described as ‘moderate, 3 miles’, but since it was 3pm, we checked with the rangers first. “Just looking for a bit of a hike. Can we make it to this waterfall by dark?” we asked. “No problems”, we were told. This was a response that would come back to haunt us later.

Off we went and began walking up the rocky trail to the falls. It didn’t take us that long to find them and admire them, but the light was fading fast, because we’d forgotten to allow for the side of the mountain we were now on blocking the sun earlier than anticipated. The rangers were right - we’d made it to the falls by dark. We just had not thought to ask “could we make it back?”…

We hastily made our way back down the trail, as fast as we could go in the ever-increasing gloom, but eventually the light faded entirely. I got out a small torch I usually carried and found that it had turned on inside my daypack and thus the batteries were nearly all used up. Still, in the absence of light, even a dim light was better than nothing. The moon had not come up, and even if it did, we were on the wrong side of the mountain for it to provide light now, so it would not have helped.

To make things more interesting, Di has a vision defect where she can barely see at times of low contrast, which of course was now. I, on the other hand, don’t have such a problem, but since I was helping her down the mountain as much as I could, we moved slowly. So, there we were, gingerly making our way down a very dark trail in the Smoky Mountains, trying to not trip on the myriad of tennis-ball and smaller sized rocks that were strewn all over the trail and gave you quite a start as you stepped on one and it rolled out from under your foot. We were not panicked, but it was tough going. It was then that I noticed we were not alone on the trail…

About 100 yards back, I could make out some sort of dark shape, lumbering down the path as well. I hoped beyond hope it was a deer, but I could see enough in the gloom to see that it was not. My guts froze as I realised it was a black bear. I knew we were still a long way from the end of the trail, but figured it was better to keep moving rather than sit there. I got Di up and moving again but didn’t tell her why there was a sudden insistent step in my stride. It did not take long though, and she knew something was odd from the way I kept looking behind us.

We kept moving as fast as we could go, and the bear kept following, sometimes getting to within 50 yards, other times dropping back to about 100 yards. For the next 20 minutes, we crashed our way down the mountain, all the time getting more and more panicked. Di twisted her ankle on a rock rather badly, and I then almost dragged her hysterically down the hill rather than let her stop as we would otherwise have done.

We finally got to the end of the trail and touched the paved carpark. Alas, we’d parked at the other end of the carpark since the place was full when we’d arrived. In hindsight, we did the stupidest thing possible - we ran. You have to understand that we Aussies are not used to large dangerous mammals. We don’t know the rules on what to do. It was not until a couple of months later when we were talking to a ranger that we realised bears have a natural instinct to pursue running animals. We hit the van at top speed, even Di with her twisted ankle, now swollen and bruised terribly, threw it into gear and accelerated wildly down the road.

Fortunately for us, it seems that the bear was not interested in an Australian-flavoured snack, and it did not follow us out of the woods. It was probably just ambling down the trail to a watercourse when it saw us ahead. Rather than wanting to eat us, it probably was just irked it had to follow us down the hill because we were ahead of it. Thus, every time we sped up, it could go faster too. Still, in the absence of this knowledge, it seemed to us we were about to become bear-snacks, which was a terrifying proposition at the time.

The most valuable lesson we took from it all - when we went into other national parks and were unsure of the terrain, making sure we asked park rangers if we could make it to a specific feature AND BACK before dark…

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Getting a little frequent with the updates at the moment, aren’t we? Just taking a little bit of time to upload images since I could not do it yesterday at Memphis, and figured I’d send out a report on the last 24 hours.

At Memphis, we went to the gates of Graceland, but since it was rather expensive to see the house of a man that is not dead, we decided not to go in. Wandered through the souvenir shopping mall next to the visitor centre and marvelled at the bloody awful rubbish they had the nerve to be selling there. No item ever produced by mankind was spared an Elvis image - everything from cufflinks to posters to T-shirts to pencils. All plastered with Elvis, and with multiple versions since there was the “Elvis of the 60’s” and “Elvis of the 70’s” versions of all these items.

After escaping that place, we headed over to Ducks Unlimited. According to the tourism brochure we had that mentioned it, it was the home of the North American group that helps saves waterfowl and protect ducks from Canada to Mexico. There was a pond and a nature trail and it seemed like a good place to go.

Let’s just say that if you’re ever in Memphis, give this one a miss. It was free, and that was overpriced for what it was. We walked into the offices of the centre and were confronted with lots and lots of ducks. But here’s the thing - they were all dead. Someone had gone out and shot lots of them, stuffed them and arranged them in various “life like” poses. It was very freaky, and not the sort of place either of us would want to work.

There was an exhibit of some guns used by a guy (presumably he shot the ducks?) with a label along the lines of “Noel Buchanan’s famous shotgun”. First time we’d heard about it, to be honest, but clearly there were some ducks out there that were introduced to it… We then wandered around to see what else there was and found a variety of things to buy, including a dart board which had ducks as targets. For a duck conservation society, it hardly fittted in. But then, it was no more odd than the Ducks Unlimited carving knives (we’re figuring for your roast duck dinner).

Feeling hemmed in by all the dead ducks, we fled outside to the pond and nature trail to see some live ones. Not a one was to be found. For Ducks Unlimited, they were pretty limited when it came to ducks… It was all a little disconcerting, so we departed the grounds and moved on toward Nashville.

In Nashville, the Country and Western Hall of Fame was closed which was a bit of a relief, since we had no intention of going there, but now have a good excuse in case we meet someone who felt we should have gone there. (Hi Grandma and Grandpa. I know you would have gone there, even if it was closed…*grin*)

We spent the night at a rest stop on I-40, just outside of Crossville, Tennessee, having put a few miles on the clock. We got outside and damn near froze to the ground! It was so cold! Quickly, we cleaned our teeth and ran back to the van to the warmth inside. Watching the news on TV, we saw it was 28F (-2C) and was expected to get down to a mere 15F (-9C) overnight with a “deep frost”. Let’s just say that when the news reader shudders at the mention of “deep frost” and he’s seen one, we Aussies get concerned.

It must have gotten down to that, because we were not really warm all night. Got up this morning and found it to be much warmer - it was now 35F (1C), so that gives you some idea of how cold it must have been.

Moving on now to the Smoky Mountains, to have a wander through the woods.

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There is a small town in Alabama by the name of Carrolltown where a small courthouse stands. Many years ago, there was a black man (Henry Wells) accused of burning down a building, and an angry mob gathered outside the courthouse where he was being held. The mob got angrier and angrier and decided to lynch him. Before that happened, lightning struck nearby, and the terrified face of Henry Wells was forever etched into the window pane.

That’s the story Doug told us when we were visiting there, and he had seen it personally, as had six of his mobile home moving crew. Still, we were a little dubious. There was a picture of the window on the internet, and frankly, it looked like a window - nothing to be seen at all.

We drove down there yesterday though, and can assure you that there is definitely a face in the window. It’s kind of hard to describe what it looks like - probably the best description would be a clown face. It’s a little like the face out of the “Scream” movies, in that it has the white face with black holes where the eyes and mouth are. It doesn’t have any amazing features that would identify it as more than a basic human face, but it has an open mouth, terrified look.

Now, the skeptic in me has to say it also looked like someone had gotten a bit of fuel and smeared it on the window lightly. From certain angles, it had a rainbow prism effect, like when you see oil in a puddle in a supermarket carpark. Still, it has been cleaned to make sure it is not a prank smear, and apparently the window has been shot out a couple of times (local kids with BB guns having fun) and each time they replace the pane, the face returns.

I’d personally like to see someone remove the pane, put in a new one and then have that pane guarded for a long time with maximum security and see whether the face comes back.

Still, I have to say that we both saw it quite easily, and that if it were a prank, there would be more commercialism about it. There was nothing in the town except for the courthouse, it seemed. We could not even find a grocery store, and the town is very small. Surely, if it were just a prank, there would be someone selling “I Saw Henry Wells Ghost” T-shirts? Seems to be the way with any attraction over here we’ve found.

So, the skeptic in me still has trouble accepting it could have happened, and the “I Want To Believe” Mulder side of me says it is definitely there and all the evidence seems to be pointing to something paranormal.

Got to depart now - we’re in Memphis now (drove up last night after seeing the face) and we are about to go see something called “Ducks Unlimited” because, well, let’s face it - ducks are good.

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We were having a great time with Doug and Karen today, so instead of heading off down the road, we stayed back. I took the opportunity to use the computer here to update things on the website, so there are now new images for the 12th, 14th and 24th March.

We are departing here today, in pursuit of a ghost tale Doug has told us about. In the next update, we’ll let you know whether the MooQuack Investigation Unit has spied anything from the paranormal side…

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We slept the night in the Alabama Welcome Centre on US 20, and the weather was miserably cold and wet. We’d always thought of the south of the US to be warm, but when the temperatures are below 5C/40F, it is definitely not warm! We figured we’d cook dinner on the lee side of the building, out of the wind, but unfortunately for us, someone had decided to employ a miserable fat guard on the welcome centre.

He stepped outside for the smallest period of time necessary to tell us “the State would not allow that” and then went back in, out of the rain. After some conversation where I lowered myself to his mental level and explained things v-e-r-y simply, and there was no luck, I asked sarcastically if it was okay for us to cook out on the tables up on top of the hill, in the rain and wind, and he nobly granted permission, so long as we did not make a mess. I chose to restrain myself from choking him, on the grounds that he might wander out later in the middle of the night and make us move on.

The next morning, we’d planned on going down Lookout Mountain Parkway, along the Appalacian mountain chain, but the tourism officer told us he’d come from that way and he was not sure it was passable yet, perhaps the next day. We thought he was a little odd - it was cold, sure, but not that cold. Heading onto Anniston, we found … snow. Yes, snow and ice and all things bloody cold. We were stunned to find that it could be so cold down south, and although the locals assured us it was a little surprise for everyone and it’d be warm in a few days - it was not warm THEN! Trying to find warmth, we headed further north to Guntersville where we heard a horribly familiar sound - the left rear wheel was about to come off again. We stopped in time to prevent it from coming off, and went to call the AAA. At least there was no snow here, but the call to AAA was not much better than the last time in Florida.

It took only 15 minutes to get the call centre operator at AAA to comprehend that we wanted a person to come and help us, that we were in the AMSouth Bank carpark on the corner of highway 431 and Homer Clayton Drive in Guntersville. Quarter of an hour later, a tow truck showed up with the story that there was a grey van broken down in the middle of the intersection, with the wheel off and traffic was stopped in both directions.

He put the van up on the tow truck and took us to a tyre place in town that he recommended, checking that was alright with us. We were fine with it, and I laughed and said it was probably his brother. He smirked a little, but said nothing. We later found out that it was his uncle’s repair centre. Didn’t really matter - we had a good chat with the people there while we were waiting and got a special low rate, with the total bill coming to US$25.00 and at least we knew why it had happened - the last time had worn the wheel nut holes to a larger size and it was only a matter of time before it happened again. They solved the problem though (we hope!) and there’s been no further hassles.

Staying the night in Scotsboro, we cooked dinner out in the cold again and snuggled into bed early, trying to get warm. The next day, we went to the Unclaimed Baggage Centre (www.unclaimedbaggage.com) to see if there was anything worth buying. There was a big thick coat I nearly bought for $15 to keep warm and then decided I just needed to be a bit tougher and save the money, so I put it back on the rack. We ended up only buying a book and an ice-scraper for the windscreen since it was not getting any warmer.

Tried to check our email in Scotsboro, but the public library had a rule stating that you could not access any email such as Hotmail from there. We asked why and it was apparently due to a person sending an email from the Huntsville public library via Hotmail to the President, threatening his life. As a result of that problem, the board of the Scotsboro library felt it was safer to ban everyone from email access. Not the most enlightened thinking we’d seen, and very much like a rule that was made by those that do not understand how the internet and email work. Tried to check it at the only other place in town - a Dairy Queen just out of town, by the side of the highway to Huntsville but the connection was so slow, we gave up after five minutes of looking at the same screen.

Tried to check mail in Huntsville at the library and found that many people working there did not even know about the kerfuffle with the President. One fellow did though, and looked somewhat aghast at the memory of it all. Apparently they had federal agents there asking questions and everything. We were chuckling, thinking that if someone sent a threatening email to the Prime Minister of Australia, the relevant security people would probably just say “yeah, whatever” and pay no more attention to it. Could not check our mail there as it turned out, since Mailcity was blocked. Hotmail and YahooMail both worked though, so it was confusing. Perhaps the threatening letter was sent through Mailcity?

We decided to go eat lunch in the Botanical Gardens and found that there was a fee to get in. They took pity on us though, and let us eat our dinner inside the heated tea room (they were not serving food yet, just about to open it in April). First time we’d sat at a glass-top table, with classical music playing, overlooking beautiful gardens while munching on our sandwiches. Just as we were finishing, a woman working in the centre came in and we got to chatting. Turned out she had lived in Melbourne for a few years when she was a child, was the first white girl to climb Ayer’s Rock (it had just opened the day they were there) and she’d lived in Melbourne and knew where we were from. She gave us a pair of free tickets to tour the gardens, so we explored the whole thing for free as it turned out. I think the time of year was not the best for touring the garden since very few things were in bloom, but it looked like it would be an excellent place to wander in about 4-6 weeks time.

The next day, since we had to delay our arrival at Karen and Doug’s for a day, we headed north to the Jack Daniel’s distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee. It is a free tour, which is kind of surprising, since it’s quite interesting, well done and informative. Very slow though, since that is the Jack Daniel’s philosophy, which got a bit wearing since I prefer to walk faster. Kind of strange to see the buildings and surrounds that are in the Jack Daniel’s television commercials, since they film those ads on the premises.

After the distillery, we took a detour through some Tennessee backcountry. Almost every road sign had bullet holes in it, and a high percentage of porches had rocking chairs on them. If there had been a guy playing Duelling Banjos, it would not have been a huge surprise. Why were we doing this? To find the township of Diana, which we did eventually. There were a few houses, a couple of churches and the enigmatically named Diana Singing Shed which we assumed singers gathered in to sing, rather than the shed actually doing the singing.

Today, came in from Athens, through the townships of Coxey, Grassy and Cloverdale. Oh, come on - with names like that, how would we be able to go past them? We arrived in Florence and located Karen and Doug without too much trouble. They were in the middle of installing a mobile home (it’s what they do for a living) so we got to go and see them install the first half of a large home. Very interesting - I guess I’d figured that they just lifted them off with a crane, not used a special truck to move them into position, then removed the trailer from under them.

Went and watched a softball game that one of the kids was playing in. It was very different to what we expected for that age-group, with the teams chanting and singing the whole way through. One woman in the stands about six feet away got smacked in the face with a foul ball and her face swelled up immediately. Gave everyone a surprise, not least the woman who copped the ball in the face. Came home and were in the middle of preparing dinner when it was discovered that the dog Yeager had decided that what he felt like for dinner were our steaks, so Karen had to go buy more meat in a hurry. We eventually ate as well as Yeager.

Heading on to Memphis tomorrow, though we’re not sure if we’ll go to Graceland or not. Seems tacky, which is the sort of thing we’re enjoying, but at the same time, the prices we’ve heard are restrictive. Besides, there’s not much point since it’s not like Elvis is dead - we saw him the other day at Walmart…

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Coming to you live this week from Florence, Alabama, we’ve had another fun-packed adventure week. We’ve been to Disney’s EPCOT centre and spent the day wandering about. Very different to the Magic Kingdom experience, in that it was far more commercial and not geared towards kiddies, but still very interesting. Of the two different parks though, Magic Kingdom won hands down.

At EPCOT, we went on the Test Track ride a couple of times but it was, when it comes down to it, a car ride at only 65mph and frankly, since you can do 70mph on the Interstate highways here, it was not much different to just winding the window down while driving a regular car. It was the best ride at EPCOT though, which gives you some idea of the rest of the park.

In the World Showcase part of the park, we learned many things, including many countries offer nothing to the world except restaurants and shopping. It was really kind of dismal to wander through the Germany section, for example, and find nothing other than the chance to buy sauerkraut or a US$6000.00 cuckoo clock that was really ugly. We were kind of hoping it would be more educational or something to say a little more about the country than that, but alas, we were out of luck.

In the “Honey I Shrunk The Audience” 3D theatre, we were surprised to find that the 3D effect worked for Di and not for Trav, since usually Di gets nothing like that to work for her due to a lack of stereo vision. Afterwards, went through an educational display about how we need to care for the environment more, which included a boat ride (Disney loves a boat ride experience!) through a glasshouse full of USDA experimental plants. So, for all the folks back at the Uni, I am still hard at work. Oh yeah. Sure.

Heading north from Kissimmee, we entered the state of Georgia and went to Savannah on St Patricks Day. We had stayed the night before in Lake City, Florida and only found out at 10:30am there that the second largest St Patrick’s Day parade in the country (biggest is in New York City) is in Savannah. We knew we’d be too late there, so went the back roads and tried to see a bit more of the Deep South. We certainly found it…

On the way across to Savannah, we suddenly happened onto the thriving metropolis that is Travisville, Georgia. Okay, so perhaps “thriving metropolis” is a somewhat exaggerated term for a place with four houses by the side of a road. Still, it was kind of exciting to find it by accident.

A few miles up the road, we found Dade County which has the claim to fame of “Home Of International Arm Wrestling Champion Andy Fuller”. Here’s something to think about - there’s an international competition for arm wrestling??? We were amused by that, but not as much as by what we found at the other end of Dade County. There, by the side of a road was a sign announcing “MUDBOGGIN TODAY”. That’s right - mudboggin. I am not leaving the “g” off accidentally. I knew we’d found gold here, so we did a quick U-turn and spun around to see the action-packed sport of mudboggin.

It turned out it was organised enough to command an entry fee, but since it was the end of the day, and everyone except for two contestants were out of the running, we got in free. Basically, for the benefit of those poor souls who have lived without seeing the glamorous sport of mudboggin, it involves high-powered pick-up trucks going as fast as they can through a muddy ditch, and trying to get to the other end in the shortest time. Due to the weather, they’d had to hose down the track to get it as muddy as possible, but it was still quite dry, so there was not a lot of boggin going on.

There was a chance to hear some great Southern dialect though, with one 10yo child being a bit annoying near his mother. Now, when either Di or I were naughty around our mothers, we used to be told “Stop It” in a firm voice, and that was all. This mother though had a different spin on how to get her young’un to behave : “You know you’d best be gittin’ outta mah face. I’ll pop yaw in the jaw and yaw be pickin’ yaw ass up offa the ground!”. I couldn’t even look at Di, since I knew once I saw her face, I’d crack up laughing and since all the men there were wearing either:

1. hunting jackets, and/or
2. confederate flag / Dixie flag decorated baseball caps, and/or
3. something that blatantly said “Don’t Tick Me Off”

: discretion was the better part of valour and we departed, giggling all the way to Savannah.

Since everyone was already drunk on green beer in Savannah, and we stood no chance of catching up, we explored it on the 18th, when it was a bit calmer. Saw the park where the famous bench was that Tom Hanks sat on during Forrest Gump. The bench is down the back of some studio lot in California apparently, but the park was familiar at least.

Left Savannah and headed east to Atlanta. Went to the World of Coca Cola there since Di believes Coke makes a perfectly adequate breakfast. Not surprisingly, a large ad for Coke and how much happier the world is since Coke exists. There was an interesting section where we got to taste all the different beverages Coca Cola makes in the USA and around the world. It was a bizarre taste sensation, where we managed to try drinks like carbonated watermelon flavoured drinks from China, and something that could best be described as “pure yuk” from Italy.

There is not a lot in Atlanta to offer the general populace to be honest, and the decision to host the Olympic Games there a few years back seemed even more like a giant bribe. Perhaps in terms of hosting major sporting events they might have been well off, but as a city, it’s horrible. Freeways everywhere, and not a touch of class in any of the buildings. From Atlanta, we made our way to the Alabama border, where we took the most convoluted route across Alabama that anyone has probably taken.

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Just reporting in on our day off after seeing the rodent. After so long, we finally fulfilled our primary school dreams of going to Disneyworld, and saw it all. We got up nice and early and went in the gate as it opened, and headed straight for the back of the park. We were able to just walk onto the Splash Mountain ride (a lot longer than the usual log ride at theme parks) and also onto the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (a roller coaster ride) which are very popular usually.

By the time we got off the second ride, the park was beginning to get fuller, and the lines were forming. These rides, later in the day, have a line involving a one hour plus wait, so it was best to head to the back of the park first and get them quickly. After the first two rides, we rapidly found a bad patch of low-fun trash in Adventureland and decided we needed a rating system because they were so lame.

Trying to decide which we’d do first - Pirates of the Caribbean or Jungle Cruise, we chose the Pirates since they sounded more exciting and would have bigger lines later. Turned out the only thing exciting was the footpath to the actual ride, and that was not exciting at all. It was a really slow ride in a boat through some poorly-lit animatronic pirates who were hard to understand and difficult to see. Rating : 2/10 Splash Mountain : 8/10 Big Thunder Mountain Railroad : 8/10

The next thing we decided was the Jungle Cruise, knowing it could not be more pathetic. Wrong. It was. Yes, through the magic of Disney, they made a ride so bloody awful, we were almost prepared to jump into the mouths of animatronic crocodiles. The guy on the boat who was our “safari guide” told the worst scripted jokes we’ve ever heard in our lives. The Disney movies are known for their snappy humour and are usually very good to watch, but evidently the people who wrote the script for the Jungle Cruise never met the people who write the movies. The delivery of the jokes was done in the most bored voice possible (and yes, it would be a bad job, but it was only 10am) and right at the end, he informed us “if you didn’t like this ride, be sure to tell your friends - it’s how we keep our lines short”. Hmm… Okay, so we’re doing what he said to do, but I am not sure that’s the Disney spirit - discouraging people from going on the stuff. Rating : 0/10

At this point, it began to pour rain (was forecast for late arvo, and not very much of it) and we’d left our coats in the van. We were going back to it anyway, since it made more sense to eat our own lunch at 11:00am and dinner at 5:00pm than to buy food there (US$2.50 for a small cup of Coke half filled with ice) and also to get out of phase with most people’s meal times. We headed back to the car to get our coats while all around us, people snapped up ponchos at outrageous prices. People were queued up to pay US$11.32 for a piece of plastic they could have bought at Walmart for US$1.00, with the only difference being one had Mickey Mouse on the back of it.

We waited to see if the rain would lift by going into the Tiki House. A few good jokes, and a decent sort of show, although we looked at one another in horror the first minute it was going because it was so bad. After the last two rides, we were not expecting much, but it improved markedly. Rating : 5/10

The Swiss Family Robinson treehouse was, well, a big walk up a plastic tree. There were a few rooms up there, but nothing interactive, so we went back down again. Rating : 1/10

Once we got our coats and had eaten, we headed back into the park and went to Tomorrowland. Went on the ExtraTERRORestrial ride, which was a little bit disappointing for me since my seat did not work the same as everyone else’s. All around me, people were reacting to things the seat was doing to them, but my seat remained seat-like and dull. Diana rated this one : 7/10.

We got a FastPass for the Buzz Lightyear ride (basically a scheme where if the line is too long, you get a ticket to say “come back at a certain time and you walk straight in”) and then went to the Indy Speedway. Our first negative rating for the day with a -1/10 because it was appallingly slow and pathetic. This is definitely one that small kids would like because they don’t get the chance to drive, but through the eyes of people our age, you just wanted to get out, kick the car off the restrictive tram track and drive over the lawn to freedom. At one mile per hour. Downhill.

Rocket ships were next, on the AstroOrbiter, and it was kind of fun. Like all rides, they lasted about 1 minute 10 seconds, but it seemed like the best activity after the Speedway. They went around and around and you could move a lever to go up and down, so it sounds pretty bad, but was kind of fun. Rating : 5/10

We headed over to Buzz Lightyear again and went straight in, much to the disgust of those standing in line. Very cool, since it was interactive and you had to join him in defending the galaxy by shooting stuff with laser guns. The carriage would spin around the way you wanted so you could do a full 360 and shoot anything you wanted to. No points for the people behind or in front though… Oh, Serren - those little cute 3-eyed green aliens were there in the ride, and I blasted the smeg out of them…*evil laughter* Rating : 10/10 - a must do!

From there, we went on the Carousel of Progress while we waited for our FastPass to Space Mountain. It was kind of interesting, and we certainly did not expect the entire theatre to revolve around a stage, rather than the other way around. Basically some animatronic people talking about various times in the century and how technology is changing their lives. Not too bad, and no line. Rating : 5/10

Off to Fantasyland next, we went there through Cinderella’s castle, which is the most famous thing about Disneyworld really. It was disappointing though, because you could not do anything in the castle, and it was just a gift shop. We were expecting lots more after seeing it at the end of all the Disney things for years. On the other side of the castle, we found a huge merry-go-round which we lined up for and got to ride wild horses. Not as action-packed as other rides, but kind of nice in a nostalgic way. Rating : 6/10

After that, we headed over to ride Dumbo, which Di had spied from the line earlier. There was no waiting period marked on the line, and it took us close to 40 minutes to get on board, but it was lots of fun again, in a “I am too big for this ride” way. Rating : 6/10

Over to Goofy’s Barnstormers, which was another roller coaster. 32 minute waiting period. 1 minute, 4 second ride. Not a great ratio, but it seems everything needs to be lined up for in the world of Disney. Rating : 6/10

We were going to go into Mickey’s house and meet him, since the characters no longer wander through the park for you to meet, but the line was horrendous. We decided it was not that important to meet an acne-ridden 16yo in a hot suit so left and went on the steam-train around the outside of the park to Frontierland again to go to Tom Sawyer’s island. We had to ride a raft over to the island, and explore caves and forts and a secret passage (that was so secret it only appeared in the guide map for the park, and had a sign pointing to it saying “secret passage”). One of the things we found at all of Disneyworld was that the lighting was really bad. The first cave was so dark that we both stumbled our way through it, walking into walls and jutting-out beams of wood. Not much fun really. The whole island would have been much better appreciated by younger people, and I reckon that I would have loved it about 15 years ago, but it was not much for the adult age. Rating : 4/10.

Space Mountain was the final ride for the day and then we had done everything we wanted to get on, so we went back over there. The FastPass line still had a little wait, due to a breakdown earlier in the day, but it was not much. The more worrying thing was that we were about to get on a roller coaster on which things could clearly go wrong… This ride was probably the best of the day, and got a 10/10. It was one heck of a ride, with no idea of where the track was going next because it was all dark and designed to appear as though you were flying through space, with stars whizzing by.

The Main Street Electrical Parade was at 7:30pm and we chose seats we thought the parade would go past and sat for a while - it seemed to be the thing to do as hundreds of other people were doing it and we wanted to be able to see it. Just before the parade began a guy told everyone that we were not on the parade route and we should move but we figured that if we stood on our seat we would see it better than if we moved and we did. All the floats and the people in the parade were lit up with fairy lights and were brilliant. There was a song playing through it though, which you can hear in the video clip at : http://www.mooquack.com/odyssey/images/usa/fl/Mvc-118v.mpg : but you have to imagine it on repeat play for 20 minutes at high volume. Insidious.

After the parade, we waited in the same seats and watched the fireworks explode over the top of Cinderella’s castle. We were on the left side, as you look at it, and that was the good side (there’s a tip for all you people considering going). It was exactly like at the end of all those Disney shows we used to watch, so was extremely nostalgic. When You Wish Upon A Star was the song playing, and it was just like being in 1982 all over again.

The traffic was not that bad, which was stunning, considering there were so many people leaving at the same time. We were able to drive out at the speed limit, not the estimated 10 mph we were expecting. A pizza for dinner, and I think we fell asleep before the final slice made it halfway down our throats.

We decided that instead of going to Epcot today, we’d take a day off to recover, since we were footsore and exhausted. We’ve spent the day with voucher books, going around getting free stuff just because it’s free. Great fun. We got a keychain with a shell on it that looks like it will last at least two days before breaking, and also a go-kart ride for free. The only problem with the go-kart was that I drove through a puddle and got absolutely soaked up the back of my legs and in the groin area. Looked like I had no self control at all. Diana laughed.

Off to Epcot tomorrow, to see the other park. We would like to say “thanks again” here to Jose who got us the tickets at a reduced price. We actually found out we could get cheaper tickets here in Kissimmee, but we’d need to buy a timeshare to get them. Much less hassle the way we’ve gotten them.

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Been hanging out at Cindy’s place for the past couple of days and really enjoying ourselves. We arrived and were greeted at the door by a woman who looked several years older than Cindy was, which did throw me for a bit, but it was a trick by Cindy and her mother. Sneaky people, these Floridians.

Jose (Cindy’s hubby) was also tricky, because we were talking about a restaurant chain here called the “Outback Steakhouse”. I knew of it’s existence through the travelogues of other Aussies who’ve been to the US and the opinion is always the same - it’s not Aussie food at all. We had a lovely conversation about this for several minutes, and then he told me that we were eating there that evening. It was at that moment that I wanted to dig a deeper hole to crawl into.

Dinner was very nice even though it was not really Australian food. Basically, they just cook steaks and then name it after some Australian town. They do the same with most of the food, except for stuff they just make up - what is a Bloomin’ Onion?? - and pretend is Australian. At other times, they don’t even try to hide that it is not Australian, such as Cheesecake Olivia which is described as “New York style cheesecake”. And that’s Australian how exactly?

It did provide a few chuckles though, with the waitress not being able to pronounce the names of the towns properly, and a very distressed 25yo female standing in front of the toilets, desperately trying to figure out if she was a “sheila” or a “bloke”.

We’ve also seen a lot of older people on the beach in bathing costumes they really should not be wearing. Nobody here seems to give two hoots about skin cancer and it’s all about getting as copper and leathery as you can apparently. Lots of pretty young things here on Spring Break and of course I am not looking at any of the young girls in their itty bitty bikinis, just like Di is not perving on the cute guys butts.

We went to the Kennedy Space Centre, looking forward to having a stroll around, but it was not to be. In all the documentation and visitor magazines we have, including the 2001 edition of the AAA tourism book for the state of Florida, it says there is a free section of the centre, and tours are an additional US$8.00 each. However, when we got to the gate, it turns out that there is nothing free anymore and it costs US$24.00 to get inside. We gave it a miss and decided to spend the money somewhere else, since we were interested in the space race, but not that interested.

We’ve bought our Disney tickets now, and got a discount because Jose took us to the Air Force Base and got us discount tickets through his military connections. Yay. Still US$170.00 for the two of us to go for two days, but a saving of many dollars over the regular price.

The other thing that was exciting at Cindy’s was that I got a birthday cake made for me. Hip Hip Hooray for me! Cindy went to a lot of effort to make sure that there was both grass AND clover at the base of the cow’s feet.

Next time should be a report on how Mickey is doing, among other things…

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The weather is finally warm! Currently we’re at 81F/27C which makes a nice change from the nights we had which were below freezing a couple of nights ago. The last update came from Hattiesburg, Mississippi and since then….

There was a flash flood warning issued for the state of Mississippi when we were there, and it was certainly pouring down rain. When we stopped in a campsite for the night, we backed the van onto the bit of concrete they had allocated as a campsite, and it was almost underwater. The rest of the grass out the back of the concrete was submerged, and we would have had to wade to the table to eat. In the morning it was gone though, so it was quite okay in the end.

Went to Gulf Islands National Park in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Didn’t see a lot of wildlife due to the bad weather the day before but saw an interesting video about the history of the area. It featured 400 year old forts that we later went to see in another part of the park - made Australia seem so young as a country when you think about people building stuff 400 years ago! And we are still to reach Europe…

When we reached Alabama, we were going to stop, but then we decided not to, and instead drove across it. There was not a lot of interest to us in the area we were, and since we’re returning to Alabama in the near future to see friends living there, made sense to cruise over to Florida instead. We did go to a naval base though, to have a look at some battleships and aeroplanes. Only open until 4pm, so when we arrived at 4:10pm, we were able to go into the gate for free, not $4.00 as it would have cost earlier.

On our second day in Florida, we lost an interstate highway because of a stupid map of the state. I tell you, these Americans are hopeless with maps - nothing is ever where it is supposed to be based on the directions given. And that is not just me defending our navigational skills - it seems to be a real problem when the interstate is clearly marked as two miles south of a town, but turns out to be actually four miles into the town. Most frustrating. Ah well, we got to freak out the local soldiers at the Duke Field Air Force Base. Felt like a bad spy movie where the van rolls up with people pretending to be lost and then they shoot the guards and steal the nuclear weapons inside. For the record, we did not shoot the guards. We did steal the nuclear weapons though…*evil laughter*

From De Funiak Springs to Oldtown to Florida City was our path. Florida City turned out to be our Bermuda Triangle. We could not escape it. Disobeyed the city ordinance of no camping in the Walmart car park and escaped without a problem. Or so we thought. Got up in the morning to find a flat tyre (one of the new ones!) because a screw was embedded in it. Perhaps the city officers of Florida City do not issue fines - just flatten your tyres?

Fixed the puncture and did battle with the SPOTD at Walmart. I could not check in to get my flat tyre fixed unless my car was there too, since he needed a registration number. I tried to explain the car was up on a jack and missing a wheel, but he was stupid. I found someone with a brain and all was fixed eventually, but the SPOTD was most infuriatingly simple.

Put the repaired tyre on, though clearly not properly because later that day, we heard a funny noise coming from it, and it turned out that there was a small issue. By not being on properly, we’d lost a wheel bolt (sheared straight off) and the wheel was about to fall off. Sitting in the carpark waiting for the AAA (another SPOTD report there!!!!), our guardian angel showed up in the form of a middle-aged man on a scooter. His name was Denys Herbert and he just happened to own the same van as us, just happened to want to help, just happened to know how to fix it, just happened to know where the local auto parts shop was, just happened to be willing to drive me there to get the parts, just happened to have a wheeled jack, just happened to have a hammer, just happened to have a good mechanically minded friend he called for professional advice as backup, and just happened to want no reimbursement for any of this help! On top of this, he has a campground up near Quebec and told us we should come and stay with him no charge when we get there! Amazing!

Oh, the AAA guy showed up just as we finished fixing it - about two hours after he was called…

Finally escaped Florida City and went to the Everglades National Park. Saw plenty of alligators and anhinga (a kind of diving bird) and even saw a little ribbon snake (not poisonous) when walking through a trail. Also saw eagles and vultures and many other birds we’re not familiar with. Lots of fun.

Alligators, by the way, are really small. A big one is about 8 feet long, it would seem, which makes the crocodiles in Australia look bloody enormous. I’d love to import a few crocodiles here and set up a park called “And You Thought Alligators Were Big?”…

Driving north now, expecting to be at Cindy’s this arvo, so we’d better keep going or we’ll be late. Apparently we missed a rodeo last night up there, which is a pity. Also annoying is that there was a rocket launch two days ago, and we really would have loved to have seen that. Ah well, such is life.

We stayed in a town named Stuart last night. Total cost for camping was US$6.42 which was the cheapest place (other than the Walmart carpark) we’ve found so far. Have bought a gas cooker and a couple of pans, so we’re roughing it with meals like spaghetti bolognaise and oriental chicken stir fry - a long bloody way from the “sausages in bread” routine we tend to follow on shorter travels!

Final comments now…

FOLKS AT MELBOURNE UNI : I’d love to say I am missing my thesis work, but I’m not. Oh, and you can buy grass here in the Walmarts. You buy it by the square yard or something. Anyway, would have been lots easier to just buy the grass and put it where I wanted for my research, rather than making me go all the way to Glenormiston each week.

CRAIG : Went to the Florida Keys a couple of days ago, just to see “Craig Key”. 140 miles round trip, just for you, and the damn island was only about 400m long. Still, we were there, and you can be excited.

AUSTRALIANS IN GENERAL : Everything here has too much sugar. Or salt. Or lard. We can feel our arteries hardening with each meal…

Rightio, that’s it from us. We’re scarpering off now to get back on the road to see Melbourne, Florida. Apparently named after the local Australian postmaster’s home, we were surprised to find that out, because we assumed it was in existence before our Melbourne was.

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Coming to you live from Hattiesburg, Mississippi, it’s another installment from those two crazy Aussies on their jaunt around the US. We departed Slidell yesterday, having sorted out our registration and title transfer for the vehicle. For the record, anywhere that makes you pay for your vehicle registration (US$497.78) in either cash or cheque only is a bit demented. It seems that nobody wants to accept credit cards here, which is a bit of a challenge sometimes.

We also met our SPOTD in the form of a woman named Betty. She is the ~60yo notary that works in a little building in “Cars R Us” in Slidell, Louisiana. We were dealing with Lake Motors across the road, but since they did not know whether we could buy a car in one state, insure it in the same state and register it in another (to save on taxes), they sent us to her.

She was going on break from 1pm-2pm when we arrived at 12:50am. I asked her if she could quickly help us because we were from Australia and did not know where the DMV was, and she just said that she was going on her break, and that it did not matter how special we were. Even though she was 10 minutes early, we did not begrudge her the time she took off, but when we asked for directions to the DMV, she just mumbled them. I asked again, this time asking for directions with references to things along the side of the road, since road names were meaningless to us, and she just replied with road names again in a huff. SPOTD? I think so.

Left Slidell about 4pm, and went off up Interstate 59 to Mississippi. As we crossed over the border, there was a welcome centre for tourists, so we went in there. Armed with maps and free Coke, we set off again for whatever was up the road. The rain was coming down quite fiercely in places, and we were not surprised, since there was a flood warning for most of the state. Why would we drive into a state with a flood warning in effect? I dunno. Perhaps we were trying to win the SPOTD award back from Betty…

Pulled into Hattiesburg and went to get a pizza for dinner. Went into Pizza Hut, but there were no menus up on the wall. The girl behind the counter asked what we wanted and we requested a ham and pineapple pizza. She looked at us blankly. Thinking it was perhaps called “Hawaiian” or “Tropical” as it is in Australia, we tried those names and she still gave us a blank look. She agreed to make us a ham and pineapple pizza though, but wanted to charge us $13.99 since it had more than one topping. Yes folks, these zany Americans love to have such exciting toppings on their pizza as cheese. That’s it. Just cheese. Or perhaps ham and cheese. Or pepperoni and cheese. But that’s an exciting pizza and will be charged more for since there is more than one topping. It’s very strange…

We told the girl at Pizza Hut (herself a contender for SPOTD since she would not speak loud enough for us to hear her and we had to ask her three times to repeat what she’d said) we were not interested and went to Papa John’s for pizza instead. Took 35 minutes since they were (1) very busy with phone orders and (2) they cooked a ham and mushroom pizza by mistake first. Delicious when we got it though.

Drove over to Walmart and had fun wandering up and down the food aisles, looking at the bizarre things on offer. Will have to take a few photos of the cereal boxes here - you would not believe how awful they can look. Slept in the van in the Walmart carpark overnight, and ate some of the cereal this morning.

We’d bought a multipack (lots of little boxes of different types) the day before, and so Diana had Cheerios while I tried Lucky Charms. Diana declared the Cheerios to be “fruit loops without the fruit” while I found the Lucky Charms to be pure sugar. They are basically little puffy pieces with the consistency of Nutrigrain, but there are multi-coloured pieces in it as well. The coloured pieces are actually little bits of hard meringue. It is very odd eating slivers of brightly coloured pavlova in a breakfast cereal, but the sugar rush you get out of it is probably enough to keep you going for hours.

Now in the public library, filling in the morning since it is pouring rain outside and we’ve got no desire to go traipsing through the forest on a day like this. The information guide we got at the welcome centre informed us there is a mural in the library, but really, it’s not worth coming to. It’s nice and all that, but if it were not for the internet access, coming here would have been a waste of fuel.

Anyway, must dash. Got a bit of stuff to look up on the net and only 15 minutes of my half hour remaining. Yes, for all those people bitching out there about how long this has taken to read, it only took me 15 minutes to write. This is why I write long emails - I write fast, so it does not seem like much until I read it later. Or read the hate mail about how long the last one was….*grin*

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