Okay, time for another Stupid Person Of The Day adventure. As the saying goes, there’s one in every crowd and they always seem to find me. Today there were two of them, but I will step up here right at the start and say it was my fault.

I ventured into a Centrelink office.

Yes, not content with the last few days being fool-free, I had this overwhelming urge to go into the Centrelink office and stand in a long line of people for whom welfare is a lifestyle choice. Before I get flamed for saying that, let me just point out I have no doubt there were several people in that office that were genuinely trying to get work, and were not just rorting the system.

However, I was in the Newmarket office, right next to the housing commission high-rise flats, so there was a higher than average proportion of deadheads in there. For those wondering about the area, only last year it was officially designated as the cheapest and easiest source of heroin out of all the Melbourne suburbs. For a housing commission carpark to have that many 1999 BMW’s, Mercedes Benzs, and Lexus models in it, there has to be some form of income other than welfare…

Back to Centrelink - I walked in the door and was faced with two lines to the main desk, for different benefits. One line had twenty two people in it, the other had only six. You can imagine my delight when I found I was to join the smaller queue, and so I happily strolled up to my place at the end of the line. I was standing there for about a minute or so, and was just looking around the waiting room at the assortment of humanity that populated it, and wondering how some people could let themselves sink so low. I was interrupted from my thoughts by a male walking up to me and stepping in line in front of me.

I was rather surprised by this, and he turned and simply stated “I was in line behind that bloke” and faced forward again. I really did not care too much. If he was really trying to line-jump, he would have tried it closer to the head of the queue, and so I assumed he was telling the truth, and let him go. He seemed to be dressed quite neatly in a polo shirt and trousers, although the one blue thong, one red thong footwear didn’t seem to match quite as nicely as the rest of his outfit.

As I stood in line, he called out to his son, a three year old terror named Matthew who was intent on destroying the children’s play area. Picking up the plastic slide, he quite effectively began drumming a rhythm on the large front window of the office, as his father called out “Matthew put the slide down!” over and over. It would have been much quicker and quieter to simply walk over, unarm the child, and walk back to line, but then, he did not seem to be a man of great intellect.

After a while, a creature I believe is officially termed “human female” started speaking to him. She was the sort of beauty one hopes not to see, the lowest dregs of society all bundled up into one person. Her nose was broken in two places that I could see, she had the words “F**K THE WORLD” tattooed on her neck above the collarline, and was completely and utterly wiped off the face of the earth with drugs. Her eyes were fully dilated and she was having trouble focussing on objects, and was generally in need of some serious bathing.

The conversation between the two of them whipped along at a cracking pace and I would have so loved a tape recorder to give the true beauty of their speech pattern justice, but alas, I am able to provide you with a transcript only. As you read through it, try to imagine the harsh gutter speech of the long-term unemployed white trash that do drugs all day and bitch about the world being against them…

(I might add there are naughty words used although I have used asterisks as much as possible to dilute the language).

Male (M): “How’s it goin’?”

Female (F): “S**thouse mate, f**king s**thouse!”

M: “Yeah? How come?”

F: “Jase’s still in hospital, mate, that’s why!” ( Trav’s Note : “Jase” being short for “Jason”)

M: “Yeah? Go and see ‘im then”

F: “Can’t.”

M: “Why?”

F: “I just f**king can’t.”

M: “What’s wrong with him?”

F: “Nothin’. Just not allowed to see him, eh. F**king bitches!”

M: “What? Won’t they let yer see ‘im?”

F: “Nope.”

M: “They can’t do that. Matthew - put the slide down.”

F: “Yeah, well they barred me.”

M: “How come?”

F (snarling): “He’s still in detox so they barred me.”

M: “Didn’t you go see him yesterday? Matthew - I told yer to put down the f**king slide!”

F: “Yeah, that’s why they’ve barred me, eh. F**king bitches!”

M: “What happened?”

F (exasperated): “Ah, they got all fired up ‘cos I slipped ‘im a couple of pills.”

M: “Yeah?”

F: “Yeah. It was only, like, a couple, so no biggie, eh?”

M: “Yeah.”

F: “Anyway, they’ve barred me now, b*tches!”

M: “Oh. That’s f**king wrong of ‘em!”

F: “F**king right!”

M: “How’s yer man?”

F: “Yeah.”

M: “Yeah?”

F: “Yeah.”

M: “Ah well, he’ll get over it.”

F: “Yeah.”

M (pointing to cigarettes): “Where’d ya get them?”

F: “From the bloke I’m living with.”

M: “That’s alright. Good bloke?”

F: “Tried to get into me bed three times last night. I mean, he’s a nice looking fella and all, but geez, he’s 60 years old, and he’s an darkie!”

NB: This comment was said at full volume in a room containing no less than fourteen dark-skinned people, and not one of them flinched. Probably like me wondering how desperate you’d have to be to attempt doing it with this woman…

M: “Oh, that’s just f**king wrong, eh. Did you tell yer man?”

F: “Nah. He’d f**king shoot the dark bastard!”

M: “Yeah, well better not tell him then.”

F: “Yeah.”

M: “Yeah. Matthew - don’t do that with the slide mate!”

F: “Yeah. Hey, where’s yer missus?”

M (surprised): “Jail. Thought you knew. In for three.”

F: “Yeah?”

M: “Yeah. Just me and the kids now.”

F: “Doing alright?”

M: “Yeah.”

F: “Where’s the other one?”

M: “School. Goes every day now. Bright little s**t, eh.”

F: “Yeah. Good.”

M: “Caught him using the ‘f’ word the other day, but. Had to smack his bum.”

F: “S**t, they pick up words early, don’t they?”

M: “Yeah. I mean, I know they hear it around and all, but you kinda hope they won’t say it ‘emselves.”

F: “Yeah.”

M: “Ah well, gonna say it eventually I guess. Look at us, we use it. No point in kids not knowing it, eh?”

F: “Yeah. Hey, want one of these?”

M (head quickly spinning to look at her, then notices she’s offering a cigarette): “Yeah!!! Oh… I thought you said E’s…”

F: “Nah. Wouldn’t waste good E’s on a s**t like you, eh.”

M: “Thanks a f**king lot, bitch.”

F: “I’m going out for a smoke. Got a lighter?”

M: “Nope. Given ‘em up for a while.”

F: “Yeah?”

M: “Yeah, no money. Gotta look after other stuff first - food, rent and kids first, then other s**t later.”

F: “So no lighter?”

M: “Nope.”

F (turning to me): “Got a lighter, mate?”

Me: “I don’t smoke.”

F (surprised): “Yeah? Big tall fella like you doesn’t smoke? Thought you would.” 

Me: “But I’m tall because I don’t smoke. Smoking stunts your growth, remember?”
F: “Oh. So you ain’t got no lighter then?”

Me: “No.”

F: “What f**king good are you then?”

M (interrupting): “Gimme ten minutes and I’ll show ya…heh heh” (gives a couple of pelvic thrusts)

F: “P**s off! You ain’t good enough for me!”

M: “Baby, I’ve got what you want and you know it!…heh heh”

F (getting distracted): “How much f**king longer is this gonna take?”

M: “Dunno. Not my fault anyway. Bloody government won’t send out me damn card, so I gotta keep coming in here and asking for it.”

F: “Yeah?”

M: “Yeah. Been three weeks now and still nothing.”

F: “F**king slow, eh?”

M: “Yeah. Want some?” (reaches across and takes a swig out of a baby bottle filled with juice)

F: “Nah.”

M: “Whassamatter? Not enough grog in there for ya?”

F: “Yeah. Too good for me.”

M: “Yeah. Ah well, gotta drink somethin’ or I’ll die of thirst”

F: “Yeah?”

M: “Yeah.”

At this point, they happened to reach the head of the queue and the male stepped forward to explain something about his card not arriving, but I was too far away to hear properly.

I got the impression that the male was actually trying to be relatively decent, for the position he was in, in looking after the kids and giving up smoking to make sure they were fed and clothed. The female on the other hand, was essentially a waste of skin from what I could tell.

Still, I did go into their lair, so to speak, so I brought it upon myself. At least the person behind the counter was amazingly good at their job, and I was done with my task in less than six minutes from start to finish. I expected it to take about 30 minutes, so I was pleasantly surprised.

I guess it was all part of the balance in life - listen to two idiots prattle on for ages, and then get a reward for doing so. That must be the way it works. Eh…

Categories: SPOTD