Once more I am in the lab at 3am. Once more the amazing SPAP’s of Trav are working to their greatest efficiency. I bring to you a tale today, not of the Stupid Person Of The Day, but instead, the Stupid Crowd Of The Day.

Still plugging away in the lab, I decided that at 1:45am, it was well past time to eat, considering I’d not managed to get to lunch or dinner during the day due to this accursed auto-analyser playing up. Well, specifically, it was playing up because something happened on Friday - the day when I was back in Melbourne and thus not able to watch it like a hawk.

Evidently someone felt that what I needed was an extra challenge and when I came back yesterday (Saturday), the reagent flow was all out of whack. There is a nice big sign on the machine informing people that it should not be left with the main roller plate in place or else the tubing will be pinched and destroyed. I know that when I left it, the roller plate was in the cupboard below the machine, because there was nowhere else for it to go, since it was not to be left on the machine. I only found this out after an hour or so of tinkering, then had to replace all the tubing, then had to wait the required hour while the new tubing became flexible enough for operations to continue. Thus, there is a candidate for Stupid Person Of The Day. I just haven’t found them yet. But they will be hunted down and slain, methinks…*mutter mutter*

I got in the car and drove to the nearby town of Ballarat to go to the 24-hour supermarket for some food. Unfortunately, Ballarat is like a lot of country towns in that there is not a lot to do, forcing the carpark of the 24-hour supermarket to be the “cool place to hang out” for the usual gaggle of deadhead teenagers that live in these towns.

When I started my car in the lab carpark, it did not sound right, and it smelled hot after I drove it for a distance, and was having problems idling. I naturally let the car cool down while I wandered around the supermarket, then lifted the bonnet when I came out, hoping to identify the source of the problem. It was at this time that I got noticed…

Apparently having exhausted all the fun of underage smoking and mock-fighting among themselves, a group of six lads, aged about 14 - 19 noticed that there was a person in the carpark looking under his bonnet, and going about his own business. Since this sort of group usually consists of lads unable to do anything useful with their lives except receive government handouts, they decided I was the new entertainment.

I had not noticed their attentions until I was narrowly missed by a plastic bottle. Then the car was struck with a banana peel. I figured that I was easily outnumbered, so removed the peel from the windscreen washer fluid container, on which it had landed, and kept working as though there was nothing wrong. Undeterred by my lack of enthusiasm to join in the game, an apple core followed, hitting a side panel of the car.

I decided to stop their fun before they threw more dangerous items, and turned to them, and tried to talk them down so I could keep working.

Me: “Come on fellas, can’t you see I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment? I’d appreciate it if you’d stop chucking stuff at the car, thanks”

Those that know me can verify that I am a wearer of an Akubra hat, night and day, due partly to my field of work, but mainly due to my fair skin and red hair burning each day unless I protect myself. From the group, about 20 metres away, I heard one of them “whisper” to his mates that it would be a great lark to steal my hat. Of course, being slightly intoxicated, and extremely stupid, this clever secret plan was spoiled by me being able to hear it, and I kept a wary eye on them as they moved in closer in a semi-circle toward me.

When they got to about 5m away, I must admit I was not feeling like I was in the best situation. I had a torch in my mouth, an oil dipstick in my hands, and the car was unlocked, with the keys in the ignition, and wallet and mobile phone on the front seat. Not expecting any trouble of any kind, and since I was revving the car engine to determine the source of the fault, it was not something I’d considered the need to take care of. Not at 2am in a country town when I was standing at the front of the car anyway…

One of them made a lunge for my hat, but I saw him in time, and spun around with the dipstick still in my hand. At first he didn’t know what I had just pulled on him, but he saw the glint of the oil-covered metal as it whirled toward him, and he quickly jumped back. After a second, they all realised it was not a deadly weapon at all - just a flimsy dipstick and so they began to get braver once more, each taking another step or two closer so they were just a few feet away now.

It was at this time I really thought I was going to (a) have to punch my way out, and (b) be outnumbered to the extent that I would just get pummelled very hard and wind up hurt.

Hurrah for the cavalry. Never have I been so pleased to see the familiar blue and red lights of a police car, and the gentle WHOOP of a siren being used to command attention.

Apparently a storeperson in Coles had seen what was happening in the carpark and had called the police who came down and found a group of six guys all intently staring at the ground and trying to wander off from one other guy armed with a dipstick. Although pretending they were truly interested in the ashphalt and were not really anywhere near me, the policemen were not fooled and made them come back. Evidently it was the town idiot brigade, because they were known to the police by their first names.

Naturally, as the group of lads explained, it was entirely my fault that there was anything going on, and I had indeed requested they come over to them and that I would beat them all up just for the hell of it. Naturally, when the person from Coles came out to take my side and provide herself as a witness that they had thrown things at me, the group of lads denied that it could have happened, and she must have been seeing things.

Their final argument as to me starting everything and them being blameless was that I was obviously a d***head because I was wearing a hat at night and only d***heads would wear hats at night. This logic failed to win over the two hat-wearing policemen…

They got told to depart and one of them was more whiny about it than the others. As they all got on their little BMX bikes (because it seems these groups find it cool for a 19yo fellow to ride a bike so small he cannot sit down), one of the policemen called the whinger back and gave him a fine for not wearing a bike helmet. He complained about that as well, but he was not getting a lot of sympathy or support from his mates who were also not wearing helmets and were rapidly riding away before they got fines as well.

So there you have it. Some people can go to a supermarket and not find these people. Some people can have cars that work properly and don’t need to be looked at during inconvenient times. Other people, like me, are idiot magnets…*sigh*

With a bit of luck, finding six of them at once means the next week should be clear of Stupid People for me. But I doubt it…

Categories: SPOTD